I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
