Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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