my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
