Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
