I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
