i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
