I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I was not drunk enough for that final.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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