Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
