I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
