While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
