Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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