I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I think my moral compass just broke
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
