I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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