I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
