I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
