My cat gives me a boner
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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