life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize