they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
