God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
