I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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