I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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