Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
