You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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