sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
