Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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