He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
