the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
