We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
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