Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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