I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I supernannyed him into submission
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
