Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
