anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
