Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize