I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize