Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
