I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
