guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
