but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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