my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
