So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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