He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
