I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
