I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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