Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
