Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He kissed a someone with a penis
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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