Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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