Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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