My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
