Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
