My cat gives me a boner
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
