I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
