he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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