I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
