the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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