So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
