remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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