the condom got lost in my hair
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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