I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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