I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
