I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
