Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
There's always time for handjobs
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize