This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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