so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
