just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
